Monday, 22 May 2017

Do you know how it feels

Do you know how it feels to know that whoever comes closer will eventually always leave

Do you know how it feels to be starving for acceptance 

Do you know how it feels to be always the one people can forget

Do you know how it feels to be the one guys do not call the day after sex

Do you know how it feels to be the one who is never enough to inspire change or courage or even insanity

Do you know how it feels to be the one waiting for a call or a text or an email that will never arrive without the ability to let go

Do you know how it feels to be constantly wondering 'what is wrong with me'

Do you know how it feels to know that you have to compromise and lie about yourself if you want someone to touch you twice

Do you know how it feels to be always alone, to plan vacations alone, to never share your life choices and struggles with anyone 

Do you know how it feels to always love first and never be loved first (or second)

Do you know how it feels to know that those you have loved the most have never and will never love you back 

Do you know how it feels to think that you are an inconvenience for him

Do you know how it feels to know that there is no-one who sticks around for longer than a pirouette

Do you know how it feels to see everyone finding someone and changing and you instead are always the same old you 

Do you know how it feels to realise you are so undeserving that people don't even bother to text you goodbye but simply disappear 

Do you know how it feels to always feel like you are about to switch off your heart forever 

Do you know how it feels to know you will never be truly happy with someone

Do you know how it feels to always feel like you are inadequate, too much, too little

Do you know how it feels to be always smiling when you really just want to lie down and stay still 

Do you know how it feels to be constantly feeling like you are the weird one

Do you know how it feels to be hungry for human touch all the time

Don't pity me, no. You don't know how it feels. 

 




Sunday, 21 May 2017

Saying goodbye to something beautiful that never started

Another one
who arrives, exploits, leaves.
I will live and die alone, I have always known it after all.
I wonder why I can't accept that.

I am so tired.

Sometimes it doesn't hurt that much
To say goodbye to something beautiful that never started.
Because I am just so tired.

Sometimes it doesn't feel like the world is falling on you
When you have to let go without having taken part at all.

Sometimes you can taste the saudade of what has never been
The nostalgia of a future and a past and a present that do not match 
And nostalgia tastes of sugar somehow.

Sometimes you are consumed by sadness. You know you are going to miss it anyway, whether it was concrete or real or not. You think of all the songs you could have dedicated to that and you never will.

Sometimes saying goodbye to something beautiful that never started
reminds you of what you really want
You want beautiful
You want to realise it and to start it 
And when it doesn't...
When it doesn't...you are still you with your needs and wants and all of that.

 

Sometimes saying goodbye to something beautiful that never started is not shared with the one person who could participate the beginning as well as the farewell. 

He cannot, he is limited somehow, it's not his fault, you tell yourself, he doesn't realise you are saying goodbye to something beautiful that could have started

He doesn't see that little by little he is losing you. 

And you wish he did see instead, you still wish he did say something or do something so that you didn't have to say goodbye to something beautiful that never started. 



Friday, 19 May 2017

I hope you are happy

Replacing a fear rather than replacing love. Does it look like something I can do?

I was thinking about that on the way to meeting someone new. Who has that Australian accent and does smile like Australians do. Most. 

You could be happy and I wouldn't know. I hope you are.

Do you love her a lot or just a little bit?

Loving just a little bit should be easier than loving a lot, or too much right? You only need to look at her, get closer, avoid the usual fears that come with loving a lot. 

Loving a little bit is just being present, giving a chance, a chance to something else than solitudine. So you die a little less than when you love a lot. 

Assuming you don't want to die and be reborn, that is. 

I will try loving someone a little bit. 

I hope you are happy, you could be happy, and I don't know. 







Wednesday, 17 May 2017

Love me like you could

I had a dream last night and I woke up happy.

I was asking you to make plans for the summer, for the two of us to go somewhere, isolated, just us.

We chose a little bay in Calabria, you wanted the sea - because usually your August is cold -  and I gladly accepted the suggestions. There is so much for you to see there, and so much I thought I knew and will look so different with you there. But then I reminded you, "I will be in your hemisphere this summer, let's go afterwards to Calabria, shall we?" and of course the plans changed, to squeeze two seasons in one month maybe? What did you say...August here, September there?



I had a dream last night and I woke up happy.

You were saying that you were so happy I waited, you asked "How did you know I needed time, time to fix the pieces of a life I wanted to leave behind?" and I replied "That night, between squeezing your hands and placing you places to follow my stories, remember? You got up, went to the toilet, you were overwhelmed. I just knew"

I had a dream last night and I woke up happy.

Your voice had never gone away. We had to get used to each other and the space around us, but we were laughing doing so. Your smile. And there was no reason to be sad, or sorry, for the wait. All had been worth it. I kept asking you whether you believed in magic and finally you said "I believe in you". 

I had a dream last night and I woke up happy.
You loved me like I know you could and you just asked me, while planning our holiday in Calabria, and I was getting excited because of all the things I already knew you would have loved there - my childhood, my adulthood finally blending together - you asked, whether I could love you like you know I could. And of course, of course I can... "I am not crazy, my reality is just different than yours", as the Cheshire Cat says. 


Monday, 15 May 2017

Listening to Sex and Authenticity (II)

Like in every other conversation also in sex you have to listen.

Everyone keeps saying I need to get away from him. That I need to keep my mind off him. How can I get away from him if he is in my head?

And eventually is it just me who wanted to believe that if someone has a structure of love in place it doesn't mean he/she cannot give love or receive love under other structures? 

And shouldn't that imply other forms to engage in sex as well? Doesn't that imply a more authentic way to meet sexual needs?

Why does love always have to look the same?  

Since when love has to obey only one given structure, pre-fabricated for us without us having a say in it? 

People make choices and accept or reject that structure, ok.

But what happens when that structure is challenged? Challenged by interest in someone else, sexually, emotionally, whatever.

Can there be another way, a more authentic way, rather than just destroying the previous structure to fall into a new one, similar to the previous one eventually? 

Can there be integration of structures instead? 

Why am I the only one believing that?

 

But not even the Man in the Attic could really live by his own beliefs. Not even him, who remains the one person I heard saying something so similar to what I believe in. His own structure is the one binding him, dictating his actions and reactions and he cannot live anything outside that structure freely. 

It does require strength and a lot of energy, you don't just find that energy everywhere or in everyone.

The energy to listen to sex all the time. In addition to the immense energy to listen to love. 

The double nature of authenticity, great to live by it, but constraining - as once authenticity is the rule you must get rid of so much so much around you that does not get to that standard. 

And I can only imagine what he chose to say, to get rid of suspicions and to save the one who needs to be protected and loved. I can only imagine how easy it can be to sell me short, to deny whatever feeling or attraction to save what he wanted to save, what really matters. 

I can only imagine how easy it gets to stop listening to the authenticity of love, of the heart, of sex, and fall back into pretence that the structure indeed works.